Ghosting, Breadcrumbing and Other Hobbies I Have Retired

I would like to announce my retirement from several hobbies I never admitted to having. First: ghosting, the art of vanishing from a conversation like a magician who forgot the second half of the trick. Second: breadcrumbing, which is texting 'haha nice' every nine days to keep someone warm in a drawer. Third: the Strategic Wait, where you leave a message unanswered for three hours to appear mysterious, while actually sitting beside the phone like a Labrador.

I was good at these. That's the embarrassing part. I once ghosted a woman after a lovely dinner because she'd said 'see you soon' and my brain heard 'a lifelong commitment involving shared cutlery.' I told myself I was protecting us both. Really I was protecting my sofa and its single, obedient cushion.

I was good at these.

The turning point came when I got ghosted myself, beautifully, by someone whose last message was a fire emoji. Just a fire. Was it passion? A warning? A kitchen accident? I will never know, and the not knowing sat in my chest for two weeks like a stone in a shoe. That was my education. Nobody ever tells you how loud silence is until you're on the receiving end.

So here's my new, very dull policy. If I'm not interested, I say so, kindly, in one sentence, with no emoji that could be misread as a flame. If I am interested, I say that too, and I let the other person be as surprised as they like. It's astonishing how much energy this saves. I've gained entire Wednesday evenings.

What do I do with them? Cook something ambitious and slightly wrong. Call my sister. And sometimes, when I want to practice saying the honest thing out loud, I chat with Luna on TheFriend, an AI character who's fine with my rehearsals and never needs a polite exit. It's fictional, flirty and low-stakes, which is the best gym for a rusty heart.

Meet Luna: open Luna's profile on TheFriend.